Men

When I am normal, I am attracted to the most quiet and passive men! They are usually tall and thin, low maintenance guys, who care alot about people, or God, or a group of people. They are good men but they are never for me. I feel funny writing this in a blog but it is an important part of my life and one that cannot be ignored. I try not to insult people's intelligence but I am just as stupid when it comes to guys as the next gal. I would say that I am attracted mostly to guys who are like my mom. My mom is a very caring, passionate, but quiet person. She is quick witted and has a great sense of humor, but lets the person with the bigger personality take over in many cases. I know I am looking for a man who is not like the father I grew up with. I grew up with a father who was angry and fearful and would take out his anger on the family in emotionally abusive ways. But he has changed and is one of the most compassionate and loving men I have ever or will ever know. When I am manic I am attracted to anyone! Anyone that can breathe, can utter words, I am all about men when I am manic. It is such a strange thing because in this last episode I was so paranoid that I was not attracted to anyone. But in the ward as I got more and more healthy, I began to be attracted to the quiet male nurses, and the Dr.s who really cared alot. They were innocent crushes but I will tell you this...I am getting better and I know more about myself now then ever. I am finding that I change who I am for a guy, when I start to like a guy I start to seek his interests and then morph myself into that person that he might like instead of standing firm on who I am, who I have been created to be. It is a sad state to be in, someone who is not in love with herself, someone willing to cut her self apart to be attractive to some guy who never asked more of her than a simple hello how are you? I feel I owe an apology to the men in my life, for pursuing them and asking more of them then they could ever give. But I wish to ask myself for forgiveness, for allowing myself to be crippled by pride in thinking I could do better on my own than letting God bring a man into my life. For ignoring the woman of God I have become and letting myself be plowed into the ground, all my qualities being ignored. I have started to change, to appreciate a man from afar, to let myself grow into who I am now, a well medicated, stable woman of God who is attracted to men who will respect her for her not for who she changes herself to be in order for them to like her. Phew....Drama over!

Here we go again....

Well the last leg of the journey has begun. It is the beginning of the end as my family and I travel out West to spend my final days in Oregon. It is amazing how stressful all this back and forth and back and forth from Oregon to New York to Oregon to New York and now back to Oregon has been on me. Each day I get better and better, and the depression lifts more and more. I am not high as a kite right now, more mellow and a little on the silly side. I have an amazing family that has stood by my side when I was sick and each step of the way as I got better. I have been responsible with my counseling, with my medication, and with my sleep. When days are hard it is simply because they are just that...hard. Not because I am out of wack or going crazy again. I have learned to curb my panic attacks with schedules and time with friends and family. I have learned that the gym is a very important part of my recovery along with group sessions and classes. I am so sad to be leaving Oregon. It caught up with me the other night with mom as we drove to my favorite Greek restaurant in Tarrytown. I just started to cry. I am leaving behind friends, places that have brought me peace in all my confusion, my classes at Abacus, my Occupational Therapist who has helped me transform into who I am today, the ocean, the mountains, the green grass, and the open spaces. I will even miss the rain. haha! But all will work for good, so let the adventure begin.....again....!