No Shoulds here...

Vacation is always hard on me for some reason. I love the adventure, and getting to where I am going, but coming home is just a pain. Getting back into a routine after being our of one for 2 weeks is killer. I want to fall back on all my old vices, coffee, coffee, coffee, and push through the morning hours until the girls I nanny go down for their naps. Then I can go down for mine and boy, do I ever. I have beaten the coffee addiction finally, but I drank some this morning to give me extra energy to face the little girls who have not seen me for 2 weeks. Part of me was excited to see them, but the other part just was scared. First day back when watching little kids is always hard as the routine has been botched a bit on vacation....and rightly so!!!! When I was little and visiting my Grandparents, life just was serene. Family lunches and dinners, late night walks in the Indiana summer time, sleeping in and watching cartoons. All bets are off on vacation, so I was expecting things to be hard. But things have gone pretty smoothly. I have laid low and stood back as the girls have gotten more used to me in the house again while their mom is here. My boss rocks! She helped me put the kids down for their naps before heading off for errands. Both girls took a bit to warm up to me again. At 16 months and 3, it takes that long I suppose. And now we are off and running. The little one is fond of saying my name which is amazing. I think I get stuck in the "how am I ever going to's" and the "what if's" I also get lost in the "should'ves"....really lost. As a nanny, I am teaching these little ones to be proud of who they are, to try their hardest, to be all they can be and then some. I should learn some of my lessons for myself. Prehaps one day I will.

Nap time has come upon us, and I am soaking up every minute to just get my barrings. I dreaded coming to work so much that I was up for a good part of the night. Wrote part of a new song out of all my anxiety so I am making lemonade out of lemons, or so they say. I am pretty sure I am overwhelmed by more than just work. I am overwhelmed about starting school again, about being far from my parents, about getting a set workout schedule that will allow me to lose the damn weight I gained from my last episode. I am afraid to fail. I am most certainly not feeling that Baltimore is where I am supposed to be and that is also making me feel that I am a waste of space. Two of my close friends, one my best friend and the other super close and both my roommates, are moving out. The new roommies are super nice and lovely and wonderful to talk to and live with but change and I do not get along. I curled up in a ball last night as a thunderstorm raged around my house and began to cry as I texted another close friend. I just don't know how far I have come....it doesn't seem that I have come far at all. It felt good to cry, but I was asked a question....do I feel restlessness or anxiousness? I think it is more anxiousness, fear to fail, fear to love the skin I am in, fear to become someone who no longer fears, or leans on fear to push them forward. I long to trust God in all the things I do. He is faithful to keep that which you entrust to Him. He never hurts our hearts...or does he? Maybe he allows me to be struck with paralyzing anxiety because it pushes me closer to Him. Today I am taking it one minute at a time. Learning to live in the moment, while still being responsible with my future.

Hello NY....and NYC! HA! I have been home for 6 days....wow time flies. I have seen several old friends, some older than others, but all from spots in my life that were full of emotion and amazement. I have been to the city twice and will be in again tomorrow and monday. All that money I was saving by coming home is quickly being used up on train fair and meals. I am amazed at how much I love the social scene of NYC. It is absolutely ridiculous how expensive things are and yet money is spent as if it were nothing. I had the most fantastic glass of Pinot Grigio from McMinnville, Oregon on Friday night. It was so good I got another one, which left me with $10 to my name in cash (I had come into the city with $60 but with train fare and what not....you get the picture...the glasses of wine were expensive) and a picture I took of me and my friend. I am not paranoid at all this trip. I am slowly easing myself into the City to see if I will have a panic attack. So far so good but the pills are on me just in case. We shall see how tomorrow goes. I will be with a new friend, but an old soul that I love dearly. Twill be awesome.