Hello Baltimore

I am starting to become happy in my own skin. I am not sure what brought this on...maybe a surge of feeling loved by roommates and friends, and a loving God that adores me. I am in the process of shedding some old skin and it feels strange and uncomfortable. It is easy to be sick, or be ashamed, or wounded. It is hard to be freed and be in love with the growth process. I enjoy being able to write on this blog to help people, but my identity is no longer in a sickness that I suffer from. I was called out on that this week and I find it refreshing to stand in the truth that I am Melissa Matthew...not Bi Polar. My name is Melissa Matthew and I love Cobalt Blue, and Pacific City, Oregon, and playing with a 2 year old and a 9 month old 4 days a week. My life is moving on and although Bi Polar is in my life it does not define who I am.

Worries

I have been in Baltimore for about 2 and 1/2 months. I have been at my job for 2 months and I must admit that the biggest things I am dealing with are my weight and my finances. I am serious about getting out of debt and am about to take on other babysitting jobs or even cleaning houses again to make ends meet and save for my future. I wake up each day hoping that the day will prove itself to be full of life and joy and I end each day with this weight on my shoulders as I struggle with keeping my mind positive. I have to admit finances have been the biggest issue of my life. I am trying to recover and keep my budget and be a responsible person. WOW! I can't tell you how many times I have been in tears this past week just knowing I am not spending over the mark and yet ending up in the red every months end. I know that all this will pay off...all this saving, and keeping track of everything I spend. Eventually it will work out and I will not end up in the red.

The other issue I am dealing with is my weight! I have always been skinny...never had to watch my weight, but after being put back on meds I am struggling to lose weight. I am in the low 160s which is amazing, but I must admit I hurt. I have become obsessed and my roommates are so sick of me talking about my weight so I have just gotten quiet and talk to my journal. I just know I will not feel good until I am back to a size 4 or 6. I mean maybe that is unreasonable seeing that I am just now a size 8 in jeans and size 10 in dresses.

I have decided to allow myself to worry about one thing....money. The weight I can only worry about after my money is under control. I am making a boundary for myself and gonna eat right, go to the gym, and work with my personal trainer but I am not going to weigh myself every other day anymore...I am just gonna weigh myself once a week.

Oh for peace....how I wish for peace!

Moving slow!

I am moving slow. I am taking time to just be. I am running around with a cold and hopeing for the best knowing that sleep is all I need. I care so much for so much, and want to be on the bleachers instead of in the game at this point. But I have decided to wait on joining a new church so I can sing in the Choir. I am going to join a Bible study instead, get into the Word, get into Trinity Church by way of EPIC and the Singles group and just coming to church, and sit and learn and feel it all out. Slow it is going to go but that is going to be best for me. I am not going to join a new church just so I can sing in a choir...I am sorry. I need to be thoughtful, prayerful, and take it to God to see if Trinity Life Church is where I am meant to be.
It is diverse. Just walking out of the sanctuary I was excited to hear people speaking in other languages. Baptism in the Holy Spirit is sought after and look on highly. Women can be Pastors and hold positions of leadership!!! Yes, I do believe I have found my church....but I will wait. just wait and see what God says about me becoming a member.

Baltimore

It has been about a month...I have been in Baltimore for about a month just getting settled and working. So far it seems that my mind is going a million miles an hour, even as I have a schedule and a daily plan. I have charts all over. I have a chart that lists the things that I need to get done in a day and I have stickers that I get after completing each task. It hangs on our fridge and I work hard to complete each task each day to earn my sticker. I feel like I am in 2nd grade, and the teacher will pat me on the back. But instead it is just me. I have another chart that lists the foods I will eat each day of the week and when. I have a chart that shows me my schedule for each week. It is all on graph paper. I am just amazed how much structure I need to feel sane these days. My roommates all seem to be busy bees with life happening in predictable ways. They go about their days with such ease and I am excited to be one of them soon. I have started a financial class at a local church for 13 weeks in hopes of gaining some understanding of how to get out of my present debt and start saving for the future. The first class went really well and the budget I made for myself a week ago came in handy to finish my homework for the class. I just used my budget to make another one for the class so that I could see how much money I bring in and how much my monthly expenses are. Thankfully my family is helping me with some of my bills so I am able to save some money at the end of each month. I am living well right now, I am missing Oregon and the fancy free life I was leading there as I was getting ready to move, but this life here is good. It is good to be here in Baltimore and good to be aware of my boundaries with money and such. I can't just drive where I want because of my budget for gas. I can't just go shopping. I have to plan and think out each move before I make it which is annoying but good. I am learning to be a good steward of my money...what little I make right now. Soon it will be time to find another job...but not for a bit. Right now I will just scrape by and work with what I got!

Nesting

I am nesting. I just want to be home! I can be cleaning, I can be watching a movie, I can be doing the dishes as long as I am home I am fine. I think this is a phase...I am in need of some protection and the walls of my house provide that at this point in my life. I give it another month and I will be out rocking the salsa clubs again. For now, everything is just too overwhelming.

Twenty Something

Twenty something keep your cool
With life, and love and even school
Twenty something be yourself
dispite the pain don't sit on the shelf
Keep your gaze
Keep your smile
walk the course
run that mile
Twenty something please just be
Open your eyes, life is there to see!!!

Baltimore

Welcome Home Melissa Gayle Matthew! Baltimore has been waiting for you and at last you are here. Welcome back Melissa Gayle Matthew! Welcome back to humid summers, and BBQs with old college buddies. Welcome to Catonsville, and know that this is home for the next few years...yes...you are at last putting down roots...on two different sides of the country.

Oregon, my home!!!

As I look around my room, here in Amity, Oregon, I am full of a mix of emotions. This room was the beginning of my time here in Oregon and soon will be the ending of my time here in Oregon. My heart soars with joy and remembers the time when I thought I was healed of Bipolar Disorder and slowly began to go off my meds (after a counselor told me I was not bipolar, but broken hearted) under the eye of Dr's and counselors. My heart crashes at the same time because that decision was almost the end of me. It began a year of hard work and stability but in the end the crash of my whole life that sent me to a dark place I never wish to return to. I am amazed at the way life has turned out so far. How time is being redeemed and relationships are being recovered. My adventurous spirit is being restored and my love for Salsa dance and long talks at the coffee shop are being ignited. It has been a long year and some months and I continue to grow stronger as each day passes with its own ups and downs. What will the east coast bring me? How will I survive being so far from the mountains and ocean? Oh Oregon...you will always be home to me!!!

Men

When I am normal, I am attracted to the most quiet and passive men! They are usually tall and thin, low maintenance guys, who care alot about people, or God, or a group of people. They are good men but they are never for me. I feel funny writing this in a blog but it is an important part of my life and one that cannot be ignored. I try not to insult people's intelligence but I am just as stupid when it comes to guys as the next gal. I would say that I am attracted mostly to guys who are like my mom. My mom is a very caring, passionate, but quiet person. She is quick witted and has a great sense of humor, but lets the person with the bigger personality take over in many cases. I know I am looking for a man who is not like the father I grew up with. I grew up with a father who was angry and fearful and would take out his anger on the family in emotionally abusive ways. But he has changed and is one of the most compassionate and loving men I have ever or will ever know. When I am manic I am attracted to anyone! Anyone that can breathe, can utter words, I am all about men when I am manic. It is such a strange thing because in this last episode I was so paranoid that I was not attracted to anyone. But in the ward as I got more and more healthy, I began to be attracted to the quiet male nurses, and the Dr.s who really cared alot. They were innocent crushes but I will tell you this...I am getting better and I know more about myself now then ever. I am finding that I change who I am for a guy, when I start to like a guy I start to seek his interests and then morph myself into that person that he might like instead of standing firm on who I am, who I have been created to be. It is a sad state to be in, someone who is not in love with herself, someone willing to cut her self apart to be attractive to some guy who never asked more of her than a simple hello how are you? I feel I owe an apology to the men in my life, for pursuing them and asking more of them then they could ever give. But I wish to ask myself for forgiveness, for allowing myself to be crippled by pride in thinking I could do better on my own than letting God bring a man into my life. For ignoring the woman of God I have become and letting myself be plowed into the ground, all my qualities being ignored. I have started to change, to appreciate a man from afar, to let myself grow into who I am now, a well medicated, stable woman of God who is attracted to men who will respect her for her not for who she changes herself to be in order for them to like her. Phew....Drama over!

Here we go again....

Well the last leg of the journey has begun. It is the beginning of the end as my family and I travel out West to spend my final days in Oregon. It is amazing how stressful all this back and forth and back and forth from Oregon to New York to Oregon to New York and now back to Oregon has been on me. Each day I get better and better, and the depression lifts more and more. I am not high as a kite right now, more mellow and a little on the silly side. I have an amazing family that has stood by my side when I was sick and each step of the way as I got better. I have been responsible with my counseling, with my medication, and with my sleep. When days are hard it is simply because they are just that...hard. Not because I am out of wack or going crazy again. I have learned to curb my panic attacks with schedules and time with friends and family. I have learned that the gym is a very important part of my recovery along with group sessions and classes. I am so sad to be leaving Oregon. It caught up with me the other night with mom as we drove to my favorite Greek restaurant in Tarrytown. I just started to cry. I am leaving behind friends, places that have brought me peace in all my confusion, my classes at Abacus, my Occupational Therapist who has helped me transform into who I am today, the ocean, the mountains, the green grass, and the open spaces. I will even miss the rain. haha! But all will work for good, so let the adventure begin.....again....!

uh oh...

I have become keenly aware of the fact that depression is coming back into my life. Creeping back into my very existence. I was bored before, but now the symptoms are here again...the fear of leaving the house, the anxiety of meeting each day, the difficulty getting out of bed, the desire to go without food, loss of appetite. I know I need to make a schedule for myself but I am just too tired and to be honest what is the point really? That is was is scaring me...that sentence...what is the point? There is so much to live for and so much to work for and I am so tired of fighting. I am tired of working the steps I need to in order to get myself out of bed and into the next day. I am tired of looking in the fridge and being too tired to make anything. But I will tell you what...I am excited about a few things...one is the Mac and Cheese that is on the shelf, I am also excited to have a car tomorrow so I can decide what I want to do with my day and not sit in the house. I am excited to be with my parents and grow together with them in this time. So let me focus on that and be at peace!

"I'm engaged!" was the message left on my Facebook wall from my dear friend! A changed status from "single" to "in relationship with" occurred for someone else. "We are officially engaged!" Came the message through my cell phone along with smiling faces and a ring on hand. Bombarded by life, I find myself getting caught up in the "why God's" and the "how comes" as I try to walk through this life. I am not busy with life so I can't be distracted from the fact that many people are doing what I wish I could be doing. I am left with a sadness as another friend finds their soul mate, although I beam with joy and give hugs to show my support. But there is a bigger picture here. God's picture is showing through. There is no way I thought I would be going through what I am going through right now...recovering from an episode of Bi-Polar which has set me on a path so different than what I wanted. I expected to be married by 24, doing God's work on the mission field or in Baltimore in the inner city. I expected to be living out West and finding a soul mate out there. But I am actually blessed to be single right now. To be going through what I am going through with my family and not man. I am single, able to travel, able to plan for myself, able to work through my issues with God and with my illness without having someone else's baggage to work through. I am able to drive across the country with one of my best guy friends, a dream we have had for the past 4 years. I am able to work on my mind, get settled in Baltimore, plan trips out west, nanny and love the girls I will be watching without distraction. I will be able to join a new church, start a new life, and join in the joy of my friends' engagements because my life is happening the way God plans it to be happening. I am lucky! Really I am!

Fear

Fear "an unpleasant feeling aroused by the threat of danger, evil, or pain." That is the definition of a word that I am trying desperately to overcome...a noun, a thing, a lie...many lies! What is the threat of danger, evil, or pain that is arousing such unpleasant feelings? I am not sure how I step into this day with such feelings being aroused, but I know that each day it is getting easier. Darkness was something that I was thrown into by a lethal illness that almost took my life, but now on the other side I am left questioning...what was it for? What deeper meaning did it play in my life and how to I learn from it in the end? All I desire is to be a woman of faith and a woman of wisdom. I seek daily to find ways to reconcile the different roads I have been down, some of my own doing and others the doing of this illness. I stand on two different rocks at this point...one is the Rock of Ages who is unchanging and faithful and the other is a rock of uncertainty. The rock of uncertainty seems to hold me with more strength than the Rock of Ages and I feel this has much to do with the fact that freedom in Him is often scary when we have been in bondage for so long. It is easy to stay connected to the world and what hurts even though freedom is just a rock away, a stepping stone just next door. 1John 4:18 says There's no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. I often wonder how I can be made in perfect love if I still fear, if I still choose the rock of uncertainty over the Rock of Ages. It is a puzzle that I will be putting together for a long time I believe, but I will not put the puzzle aside until each piece is unturned and placed in it's rightful spot.

Stationary

Swing swing swing....I am actually not swinging anywhere. I am sitting on my parents' futon, staring at this computer screen trying to make some wonderful words pop from my brain. I have none! What I could say is that I am happy that life is smoothing out (knock on wood) and that my heart is not in my throat because of a guy I am in love with. I am excited that I have some place to lay my thoughts before I head to bed so I won't be up all night wondering if I should get up and write on my blog spot or not. I love each person who reads this blog and hope that in some small way, it will impact their lives so they will come to a better understanding of me and of who I am as a person who suffers with an illness such as Bi-Polar Disorder.
I am already getting myself ready for my plane ride back to Oregon. I am praying that the knock-the-wind-out-of-my-guts feeling will stop if I can just trust in God enough. I HATE TO FLY....and yet I dream of traveling the earth. So I will sit and pop my sleepy pills and be happy....oh if only it was so easy. I just read Psalm 91 over and over and over and ask to hold the hand of the person next to me, male or female. I can't wait until I am married and that poor soul beside me getting the bones in their hand displaced is my loving husband of ump-teen years. Oh marriage...why do you avoid me?

It is Finished!

The tiles were the same color as when I was walked through the doors a year ago Good Friday. The smell was the same as a year ago. Mike the nurse was beside me as I was walked through the doors the the same ER I was walked through a year ago. I felt the emotions, I saw the faces of the nurses, the scrubs, the glass doors and the curtains. "You would have been back there," he said kindly, "Do you want to walk around the corner to get a better look?" We walked around the corner and I spotted a nurse that had been my nurse when I was there. I waved...she looked annoyed. I laughed at myself....here we are in the ER, one of the craziest places on earth and I am waving like an idiot to a busy ER nurse who was a hardass on me. I looked down the way and saw the rooms I had been in...the Psyche rooms for the "crazy people" the mentally ill people, the terrified people. No panic swept over me, no worry or fear that I was back there. I was in my street clothes, not green scrubs. I was normal not crazy and yet I am mentally ill. I suffer from Bi Polar disorder and here I was feeling like I was getting away with something. I turned to Mike and said, "I just want to say thank you. Please pass that on. When we are sick and brought in here we are mean and say bad things because we are scared. We are not in our right mind and you guys do your best to care for us. I am so sorry but I want to say we don't mean it." He looked down at me with kind blue eyes and said, "We know that. We know you are not able to be who you really are. That is why we are hear to take care of you. We realize it is not you."
Moments before Dad and I had walked up to the 5th floor...the Behavioral Unit they call it...hahaha...not the loony bin, or the crazy house, or the psyche ward, the Behavioral unit. So PC. I looked in the clouded window and saw the shaped of people walking the halls like I did, the TV room and the front desk. I saw down the hall to my room and dad and I sat in the waiting room and just prayed. Thanked God for me being healed, for our family becoming hole because I was broken, for how strong we were now, and for the nurses and the patients, that they would be made whole like I was. It was amazing to stand on the outside of a lock down facility, where I was kept for 9 days as I was put back on medication and watched carefully. Where I was fed and brought back from terrible anorexia and paranoia. Where I was locked in, just wanting to get out, talking to other patients, learning how to play the sane game and get out sooner. All of it flashed back, but mostly in the ER with the smells. When I was down in the ER bathroom the smell of the Ward just washed over me and I was paralyzed in the bathroom. I just closed my eyes and memories flooded back, my next door roommate, the woman in the "quiet room", the food and the classes, the constant supervision and sleeping with the night light on even as a nurse checked on me every 45 min.
What a Good Friday. I can now say, it is finished! Amen!

Life, Love and Laughter

Spring is here in Oregon, along with rain and clouds. They say we are in a deficit for rain but I am already wishing for a break and for some sunshine. Today I woke up early to eat breakfast with my father who has come out to Oregon to be with me and do some counseling at a camp this weekend. It was so good to wake up and see him standing over me as he woke me up. It is even more amazing to hear him tell me how proud he is of me, of how far I have come, how much thinner I am getting, and that he loves me. I have been working so hard to get out of depression, I am getting to the gym every other day, I am seeing a trainer, I am getting my eating under control and eating healthier, I am pushing myself to get out of bed at 9am and go to bed at 9pm, I am pushing myself to hang out with friends who call me even when I want to stay in by the fire and hibernate. I have been pushing for about 3 weeks and then Pop died and all of a sudden I was not pushing anymore. My body was being propelled into life without much effort. I can get up, I can make it to the gym, I can hang out with friends, it is like all the work I put in before Pop's death is paying off now. And now Dad is here and sees all the pay off and is so proud of me. My counselor and my Nurse Practitioner are all excited I have not gone off my meds or even attempted to since being out of the hospital. Good Friday (next weekend) will be one year since I was put in the hospital. Dad and I are going out to dinner to celebrate my "birthday" of being healed and well into recovery. I am leaving this morning to go up to Washington State to go camping with my girlfriend in the Olympic Mountains. We are headed for hot springs but it is chilly and I am not sure we will be hard core and sleep out in the snow. We might, we might not. This trip is the first big trip I have planned and done on my own since the episode, besides going back to NY. This time I had to get all my clothes packed and in the car, I had to find my sleeping bag and get everything organized. It was almost stressful...it still is. But I will be ok. I just am a tad bit of a homebody now adays. The adventurer is on vacation in my soul at the moment. But, my how far I have come...and how far those reading this will come if they keep on keeping on. It is not the end of the rope having or living with someone who has bipolar....it is a terrifying adventure that can be worth every moment if you change your perspective. I have been so close to dying, I have scared my family and friends, I have whole parts of my family who do not talk to me anymore because of past actions when I was manic, but I am who I am and I know that the person I am is coming back to life, at last!

"Life is a journey
of sweetness and sorrow,
Of yesterday's memories
and hopes for tomorrow,
Of pathways we choose
and detours we face
With patience and humor,
courage and grace,
Of joys that we've shared
and of people we've met
Who have touched us in ways
we will never forget."
-Sympathy Card for Grandpa Dolan

It has been 2 weeks since Grandpa Dolan passed on. I must admit that I am doing very well. I am amazed at the change in my mood over the past 2 weeks, directly related to the passing of a great man that meant a lot to me. I am pleased that I am feeling better but it is so interesting that I am doing well after such a horrific event. I was sure I would fall into depression but instead I have become elated and full of life. It is as if I see each moment as precious, every telephone conversation as crucial, every smile a wonder, every tear a gift. Life has thrown me some hard balls but I believe I can say I am on my way up. And it is lasting...

How long with this last?

Well what can I say? I feel uplifted, almost elated. It is as if the world were right where it needed to be in my life, that everything is clicking again, how long with this last? It started with the death of the Grandfather of the family I live with. His harsh passing infront of our eyes led me to believe that I was headed back into an episode, but the opposite has happened. It has awakened my love and desire to live, find some structure, settle down and just be in one spot for a while. As I help the family out I am given even more desire to give back to everyone I know. I am feeling tired but tired from a day of work not from depression. I am feeling happy but not a happy from mania, happy that the darkness is lifting and I am coming out of the hole. Thanks to all of you who kept me in prayers...do'nt stop just yet. haha. There will be a few more dips before I am totally even again. IT has been a year since my last episode ended with a hospitalization and look where I am today....YAYAY!!!!

A week ago I witnessed the passing of an adopted Grandfather of mine. We were celebrating his 100th brithday and he had a heart attack in the middle of dinner. I started to try to help with verbal instructions to the son who was already doing all that could be done to revive him, but he passed before our eyes into the next world.

I was shocked, scared, terrified at what I had seen. I felt the floor benieth me drop out, I felt my mind scramble and was sure I was headed back into some bi polar episode. As I sat between two family members I held their hands with all my might repeating to myself, "I can't take this, this is too much," over and over again as I sobbed. I called my therapist back east although it was 12am her time and just unloaded fears and sobs. She assured me that I had just witnessed something traumatic and that I was not going manic or anything close to that.

Well things have started to settle down in my heart about his passing but as the funeral approaches I can feel the tension in the house as everyone anticipates the emotions that are bound to erupt tomorrow as we say our farewells to Grandpa. It is strange to be so sensitive...to feel the feelings of others to such a degree...to be qued in this way. I almost wish it were not so, but then I would not be me and that would be a shame I think. What I thought would be a disaster of a trigger...sending me into deep depression has actually lifted my spirits higher then I remember. I am cleaning around the house, waking up at normal times, laughing with the family...entertaining them at best, putting together picture boards of Granpa, dropping it off, doing the recycling, just mountains of things that I don't think I could do if not for this opportunity to grieve to such a great extent. I have been able, through this, to mourn the hospital, my own grandfathers passing which I never really allowed myself to do, the life I lead before this episode, and more. The night Pop (grandpa ) died I cried more then I ever have and into the next day. I then sought out therapy and friends, made calls and began to allow healing to start. After an amazing session over the phone with my counselor back east I am now not triggered by the image of pop not being able to breathe as much. I feel I have more control over my emotions and what I can and cannot handle. It is empowering. The latest struggle for me has been on my own salvation...where am I really going when I die? When I was in my episode I was in hell, felt the distance from God and ached with loneliness I have never felt before. Now that I am back on track with God and feel I can again dialogue with him I am looking for his promises for my salvation in the after world. although I know I will go to heaven according to the bible, because of what I have been through and felt, I am still fearing that Death will be just darkness like my depressions, separation from my Papa up in heaven.
Anyway...I am on the up and up for now and that is shocking to me in light of all that has happened.

Safe

Have you ever felt unsafe in your own skin? Like it just doesn't fit the way it used to? That something is going to happen but you just don't know what or when it will occur? I think one of the biggest lessons I am learning right now is that just becuase I am not where I want to be does not mean I am a failure or that I have failed. I think that the "suppose to's" and the "should'ves" are the worst phrases and words I have used on myself to either bring myself down or feel less than. I am fighting some hard things right now, but my friend and wonderful leader from Mexico LeeAnn pointed out some important things to me as I allowed my face to be swallowed by my tears this afternoon. I am not a failure, I am not failing, I am being healed. I am being healed with a force that I wish would just leave me alone and be done with me. But it is not letting up that easily and it is pushing me to push myself into a place of surrender so that deeper, more permanant healing can take place.

I don't know

It has been a while since I have written...I love to write so much but I have been having a hard time lately and so I am just trying to make it through, not dwell so much on what is going on. They said this would come, depression, that I would hit a spot in my recovery and I would just stand there grabbing at the sides of the canyon I am sliding down. So here I am, losing finger nails, and perhaps getting stronger for it in the long run. I now have a symptom chart and a mood chart to keep me aware of how things are going. I am aware of three symptoms that are bothering me at this time...depression, anxiety, and paranoia. It is amazing how simply charting my day helps me know when to get my butt out of bed and to the gym and when I can relax. I didn't start charting until today and I am well into a depressive state and I am kicking myself for not being more aware of my surroundings, my sleep, and my nutrition. I am finding that I am very scared to die, that I must go through a check list of all the things I have not done so there is no reason for the police to be after me, and I but pry my fingers from the covers of my bed. This will be an interesting week ahead of me as I continue with my fight. I will go to the gym, I will work with my trainer on gym stuff and nutrition, I will socialize with friends and I will write cards to those I love. Onwards and upwards!

An Old Journal

I found this in an old journal from my first trip across the country to Oregon. It is from a woman's retreat to the ocean. At the time I was getting over a heart break and was in a new place with new hope and possibility. I was 25 then so it was written 3 years ago.

"I can feel the horizon. I can hear the waves...constant, droning and then a loud crash maybe two, it softens and then again the deep drone of an endless motion of waves. If you stand here you don't even need to close your eyes to imagine the space, the darkness. It is here. This deep sense that there is a huge ocean, a vast horizon, I;ve written it but I just can't get over it. Something great is just beyond these threes, something that I've had nothing to do with, something that I cannot control, that cares so little about the 25 years that I've been here on this earth. It does not care that I am white, tall, skinny, it sees no shape and my form easily fits into its ever churning substance. I am not an imposing, inconvenience, I am not impossible, I am only another. Another creature that could be sucked down, tossed up, caressed, lifted and rolled in its ever fluid voice of surf and tranquil adoration of a creator so much greater than us both.
To think, it does not care my heart has been broken, it shares not in my worries or my resentments, it only calls me to come, seek further, seek deeper, seek beyond myself, seek beyond the waters that crash. So quickly I project myself in the water...can't you see how angry the ocean is, I think. Hear it crash and toss always changing never the same nothing constant, come and go be late, on time. A Year and 1/2 ago I would have said, hear...see the passion, how it rolls and crashes with ecstasy, hear lust and love collide in it's foam. Who knows what it will be tomorrow. Who I'll be tomorrow because now....I hear a vast expanse that speaks in a voice only angels can hear, only the righteous can express the sounds I hear now. This vast expanse, this bit of love, this foaming, churning body of water sees me. Just me. Not all I've done, or where I've been. It sees not the walls I've built or the bitterness that rages, or the forgiveness that is slowly getting the last say. It just takes me, as I am It takes me as I am just as I am. It makes room for my body, it wraps its substance around every creves and bump on my body, it comes into every hole I can't close up and seeps into every pore. This vast expanse I have no control over no history with so past or future only present with, it takes me as I am. And like the creator, reflects the glory of it's creator, just like me, just as I am.".

Oregon

Oregon is a beautiful place. It is full of green and clouds...rain and fog....but I am in awe of the nature here. Mom and I landed on Friday the 13th after flying all day and I walked into a room full of my stuff. I have no idea how I am going to get it all back to New York again but it will happen. I got it all out here so there you go! We spent most of Valentine's Day with my friends Jason and Stephanie. We went up to Jason's family ranch and just drank tea and laughed. It was so good that I forgot I was in culture shock. I am from a more urban area than out here in the hills and mountains of Oregon. I have never seen so many trucks before and I didn't realize how many there were until I got back this last time.

I said bye to mom after church on sunday and headed back into the mountains where I stayed with my friend Stephanie while she house sat for our mutual friends the Burchs. It was a wonderful 48 hours of just mucking stalls, girl time, movies, laughes and tough talks about realtionships and bi polar. I am coming out of my depression but Steph seems to be in one and we talked as we both have bi polar about the reality of this illness and how you can't just buck up and get over it all.

I spent most of tuesday spinning my wheels, just feeling out of place in this small town of McMinnville, Oregon. I am feeling so overwhelmed but I am doing what I can to keep depression out of my way.

What an adventure life is...just one huge adventure.

Love

Love is a wondrous thing. It can lift a broken heart, settle a fluttery stomach, release hope into a hopeless life, help me stand in the winds of life and not fall. How does love do it? How can the love of other people carry us onward through days veiled in fear and anxiety, depression and shame? Obstacles where once seen as a hardship can also be seen as steps to recovery...a chance to move on in another direction, to face new challenges and walk tall again. They come not to taunt us, but to allow us to change, grow and face lessons. Lessons that need to be learned now, not to be hidden from. Stepping back into Oregon after 6 months of being home with my parents is a daunting task, and one that I have had to change my perceptions with...allow a paradigm shift. A miracle is going to happen, I have had to tell myself. I am not allowing fear to rule me, and I am not a victim to my circumstances. Convincing myself of this, of course, is a struggle. I have closure to make, I have love to take, and I will give what I have to allow myself to grow into the woman I am to be. I want to be free of this, but I want to be able to allow myself not to be free. I want to be able to be sick and still walk. Have Bi Polar and still help people, walk tall, be at peace. I want to write of hell and encourage those who cannot imagine being free of the flames of a hope that will lift them into peace. Love...what a wondrous thing. It is something that I have not yet learned to put my trust in completely, but I am learning. It is the love of my parents that has lifted me up when I could not love myself. It is the love of my parents that has allowed me to walk in the darkness of depression and know there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I hope to love like that and walk with people through their darkness. There is an end. I am not there yet but it is coming.

Memories

I have been working in a school as a volunteer, this past week. I have been working with an ESL student and we have been having fun speaking spanish and working on homework. It has been a great experience but being around so many little children is hard because it reminds me of when I worked in Oregon and I was in the throws of my Manic/Depressed episode before I was put in the hospital. That time was very terrifying and it has taken a lot of therapy and memory work with my therapist to get over that time and not be afraid to work with little kids again. (In my previous blogs I have explained the way my therapist works and how you can have your memories lose power over you and how triggers can no longer be a problem for you.) Well, I was walking down the hall and I saw a little girl who looked like me when I was little. She stared at me, like most little kids do, and I was triggered. I was triggered into my paranoia which is my fear of being taken away by the police for doing something wrong. This paranoia was a huge part of my episode last year...wow last year was my epsiode...crazy. Anyway, by the time the day was over and my mom and I were driving home, (mom works in the same school that I was volunteering in) I was in histerics. I was convinced that I would be taken away and could not stop crying. I called my therapist and we talked it through and we had to do a night session over the phone to work through the memory that had been triggered by a simple look from a little girl.
Well, it turned out that I was triggered into a memory from when I was a little girl and being taken to a therapist that made me sit on his lap for the session. After realizing that I had always assumed the therapist from my past was punishment for me (I was 4 and 5 at the time) I realized that the paranoia was about getting in trouble with him and not the police. It was a huge break through. Also that the little girl that I saw reminded me of me when I was her age and flashed me back to having to see that terrible therapist. Now when I start to get anxious about police and trouble I remember this break through and I am put back on the right track. AMAZING!

The winds of time have blown in odd directions in this life of mine. I have been learning a lot about how I work and about how my body handles stress and fear. Beyond my bi polar, I am a compassionate, yet fearful woman who hates confrontations. And yet, God does not allow me to shy away from situations where I must face all fear. This illness does not let me avoid confrontations with myself, and this life does not left me hide from life. I am a life liver, I am a game player, I am a go getter and so here I am playing in the winds of time. I am not being played by the winds of time, I am playing in the winds of time. I am not a victim anymore. I am no longer a victim to an illness that does not relent, or from a life that I have been gifted with. So I flutter, like frail, thin curtains on a window. Each time the wind blows I take a new form, but I learn to form in a way that is beautiful. And that is what will happen when I go back to Oregon this friday the 13th. I will form to the new pattern of the wind blowing in the window and it will be beautiful, and all my anxiety now will be for identification of what to do next, not something that binds my fabric in tight knots. I will blow free and beautiful because I have been given a chance to play with the winds of change, the winds of freedom and the winds of time.

Closure

Closure is a strange thing. Sometimes it can be forever in coming, and other times it comes at the drop of a hat. With my recent episode 9 months behind me, I can say that there has been some closure that has been a long time coming. It started with apology letters to those I hurt along the way, then some emails and friendships have been reestablished. Next I made a few phone calls and talked out some frustrations, creating peace in my heart. Then there were the 2 months of therapy and the trip to the hospital with Dad for his procedure that proved that all those months of therapy worked. I could walk into an ER and not go into a panic attack. Next was writing the hospital that I went to and thanking them for forgiving my $15,000 debt. My latest bit of closure was calling the hospital to get the address I could send a thank you card to my Doctor from the psyche ward and the social worker that worked with me those nine days on the ward. I called and got the Doc's address and then they transferred me to the 5th floor to speak to a nurse on how to contact my social worker. There I was being transferred to the unit that caused so much grief and healing all at the same time. The tears began to form before anyone picked up the phone. I felt this wave of gratitude flow over me. If I had not made it to the hospital I would have probably taken my own life, or close to it. The nurse picked up and I asked for my social worker...she's been transferred to another area in the hospital but we can forward your letter to her...then I broke. The tears just flowed. "Thank you so much for all you do. If it was not for you guys I would not be here today." The nurse who's voice sounded hard and serious when she picked up softened. "Well I am glad you are doing better." I hung up the phone and cried and cried. "It was so terrible," I whimpered to God as I stood in my dining room, "so terrible." But as the tears stopped I felt a little bit stronger. One more step on the path of healing had been taken with that call. My fear lept out at me when they transferred me at first but with contact and tears and words I just felt stronger. It's getting better...it really is.

Dearest Love

The cold of winter begs me to follow into a dark cave of bed covers and hopelessness but I am crusing at a great altitude at this moment in time...maybe not great...but I am crusing. My faith in God has been crushed in the aftermath of this last mixed episode and I am working to piece together what is left and seek after His heart. I look at my body and wish for thinner legs, a tight waist, stronger arms, and then I remember where I have been and that my body is just fighting to keep meat on it after so many months of anorexia. The rebound has been horrific to me, but look how far I have come.
In a month flowers will be blooming in Oregon. In between the rain and the soggy grass, deep green and yellow flowers emerge. I may be back there, back on the same side of the country where all this pain and sickness came to pass. I am scared! I am scared that when I board that plane I will hyperventilate, that when I walk into the room I laid in for months I will be caught up in a frozen depression that will hold me captive until I drive myself out of Oregon's grip. So much fear to live in for such a young woman as myself...just 28, I look at myself as not the strong woman that left Baltimore to start a new life on the West coast but as a little girl afraid of her own shadow. And certainly afriad of the shadow of Bi Polar Disorder. I will find hope. It will come. I will walk firm in the truth of who I am meant to be...it will just take time.

Expectations

How do I deal with expectations...really....anyone have any suggestions? How do I deal with with them and how on earth to I keep them from getting so strong that I no longer have control over my emotions and just go off on someone I really care about in a far off country who cannot have a decent face to face convo to make things right? First of all there has to be a way to walk through life without high expectations for oneself and for those around them. I am sure that it is ok to have high expectations on how to be treated by others, by friends and my loved ones, but how does one reign in those expectations when they get too high and ruin a night, a day, a week? There must be a way to walk through life with level expectations, to put people in correct light, loved ones in special position to be treated well. I should be allowed to have decent expectations on how I am treated by friends and how I treat them myself. I expect myself to be on time for a date with a friend and vice versa. I expect people to be open with me about how they feel about me and to not play mind games. I expect that the mind games I used to play are dead now and I can move freely in my skin without fear of losing it with a friend.

Before depression I was a high strung, and loaded, mind game filled person. I would become passionately frustrated with people for no apparent reason and dwell on my pain as if someone had killed a close relative of mine. I would toss and turn at night over words said and not said and make up emails in my mind of all the things I could have said that would have made things better. As I was laid up with depression, I had no expectations. Nothing got me mad, or made me upset. Nothing made me smile or brought anger to my face. I was just BLAH! I secretly hoped that the high strung, high expectation filled girl would have disappeared with the depression that sucked all the energy and life out of my body. I prayed that the anger that burned in me when an expectation was not fulfilled would be dead and that as I gained new life from this last bi polar episode, that I would be exactly that...new.

But alas...along with the personality that was swallowed by my depression that is now coming back, so has my high strung expectations and fears. There was a moment in my depression, right as I was coming out where I just felt this calm. This wondrous calm and a hope sprung up in my chest that I was changed. That hot passions were dead and I could now go forth and live a normal even keeled life. But alas here I am, writing to a bunch of friends...how do I deal with these high expectations? And how do I keep them from ruining my friendships and my own self esteem?

Happy Birthday to me! January 8th, 2009 has come and gone and I am now 28 years older and one day...I celebrated my birthday with sleeping in and then a bath. I soaked and gave myself a mask, shaved my legs and conditioned my hair for extra long. I got out, got dressed and cleaned the house for mom and dad and then mom came home and we started making Pumpkin Chili for my dinner party. It was a wonderful night with wine and gifts and chocolate cake and chocolate ice cream. In that moment at the table I was surrounded by friends and family full of joy and of love and no expectations. It was not until a skype chat from China came in that expectations began to arise. It is in this manner that I will finish this little letter to all reading. I have very high expectations for myself and for those around me. I expect to be treated with the utmost respect and to be loved and be a loving friend to those I know. But when expectations get too high, it makes the fun run away into the night. I do not know how to deal with my expectations, where to put them or how high to let them get. All I know is that a joyous day with family and friends was almost destroyed by expectations laid upon a skype chat. All in all, my day was wonderful and I was able to go to bed a year older, a year wiser, and so glad to put 27 in the toilet and flush!

Weight

I have gained 70 to 80 pounds since my last episode. I was atleast 100 pounds maybe 90 at my worst anorexic state but my usual weight is 135. I know that may be a little on the skinny side but my matabolizm is fast as all get out and so I have never been more than 145 unless my body is rebounding from an anorexic episode with Bi Polar Disorder.

I have been asked to be a bridesmaid for my Dear friend Rob's wedding and it is in 4 months. April is a mere 4 months away and I have not lost a pound. I came home 178 and am now 170 and can't go lower. I have started walking, watching my food, getting good sleep, but I am on lithium which does not help with the weight loss. The Doctors say "well you are older now..." blah blah blah..I turn 28 on thursday. I am not 45...come on! Anyway I will tell you that I am more discouraged now than I have been in a long time. I have worked so hard in therapy, in journaling, in mood watching, and now weight. LIFE JUST DOES NOT LET UP! I just broke down in tears to mom and then we all prayed in my room after I made a tearful call to a good girlfriend. Dad, Mom and I prayed for God's will to be done in ALL of this...not just the wedding. I will walk down the isle for Rob and Jainnie, I just wish I could see myself the way they see me.