"Life is a journey
of sweetness and sorrow,
Of yesterday's memories
and hopes for tomorrow,
Of pathways we choose
and detours we face
With patience and humor,
courage and grace,
Of joys that we've shared
and of people we've met
Who have touched us in ways
we will never forget."
-Sympathy Card for Grandpa Dolan

It has been 2 weeks since Grandpa Dolan passed on. I must admit that I am doing very well. I am amazed at the change in my mood over the past 2 weeks, directly related to the passing of a great man that meant a lot to me. I am pleased that I am feeling better but it is so interesting that I am doing well after such a horrific event. I was sure I would fall into depression but instead I have become elated and full of life. It is as if I see each moment as precious, every telephone conversation as crucial, every smile a wonder, every tear a gift. Life has thrown me some hard balls but I believe I can say I am on my way up. And it is lasting...

How long with this last?

Well what can I say? I feel uplifted, almost elated. It is as if the world were right where it needed to be in my life, that everything is clicking again, how long with this last? It started with the death of the Grandfather of the family I live with. His harsh passing infront of our eyes led me to believe that I was headed back into an episode, but the opposite has happened. It has awakened my love and desire to live, find some structure, settle down and just be in one spot for a while. As I help the family out I am given even more desire to give back to everyone I know. I am feeling tired but tired from a day of work not from depression. I am feeling happy but not a happy from mania, happy that the darkness is lifting and I am coming out of the hole. Thanks to all of you who kept me in prayers...do'nt stop just yet. haha. There will be a few more dips before I am totally even again. IT has been a year since my last episode ended with a hospitalization and look where I am today....YAYAY!!!!

A week ago I witnessed the passing of an adopted Grandfather of mine. We were celebrating his 100th brithday and he had a heart attack in the middle of dinner. I started to try to help with verbal instructions to the son who was already doing all that could be done to revive him, but he passed before our eyes into the next world.

I was shocked, scared, terrified at what I had seen. I felt the floor benieth me drop out, I felt my mind scramble and was sure I was headed back into some bi polar episode. As I sat between two family members I held their hands with all my might repeating to myself, "I can't take this, this is too much," over and over again as I sobbed. I called my therapist back east although it was 12am her time and just unloaded fears and sobs. She assured me that I had just witnessed something traumatic and that I was not going manic or anything close to that.

Well things have started to settle down in my heart about his passing but as the funeral approaches I can feel the tension in the house as everyone anticipates the emotions that are bound to erupt tomorrow as we say our farewells to Grandpa. It is strange to be so sensitive...to feel the feelings of others to such a degree...to be qued in this way. I almost wish it were not so, but then I would not be me and that would be a shame I think. What I thought would be a disaster of a trigger...sending me into deep depression has actually lifted my spirits higher then I remember. I am cleaning around the house, waking up at normal times, laughing with the family...entertaining them at best, putting together picture boards of Granpa, dropping it off, doing the recycling, just mountains of things that I don't think I could do if not for this opportunity to grieve to such a great extent. I have been able, through this, to mourn the hospital, my own grandfathers passing which I never really allowed myself to do, the life I lead before this episode, and more. The night Pop (grandpa ) died I cried more then I ever have and into the next day. I then sought out therapy and friends, made calls and began to allow healing to start. After an amazing session over the phone with my counselor back east I am now not triggered by the image of pop not being able to breathe as much. I feel I have more control over my emotions and what I can and cannot handle. It is empowering. The latest struggle for me has been on my own salvation...where am I really going when I die? When I was in my episode I was in hell, felt the distance from God and ached with loneliness I have never felt before. Now that I am back on track with God and feel I can again dialogue with him I am looking for his promises for my salvation in the after world. although I know I will go to heaven according to the bible, because of what I have been through and felt, I am still fearing that Death will be just darkness like my depressions, separation from my Papa up in heaven.
Anyway...I am on the up and up for now and that is shocking to me in light of all that has happened.

Safe

Have you ever felt unsafe in your own skin? Like it just doesn't fit the way it used to? That something is going to happen but you just don't know what or when it will occur? I think one of the biggest lessons I am learning right now is that just becuase I am not where I want to be does not mean I am a failure or that I have failed. I think that the "suppose to's" and the "should'ves" are the worst phrases and words I have used on myself to either bring myself down or feel less than. I am fighting some hard things right now, but my friend and wonderful leader from Mexico LeeAnn pointed out some important things to me as I allowed my face to be swallowed by my tears this afternoon. I am not a failure, I am not failing, I am being healed. I am being healed with a force that I wish would just leave me alone and be done with me. But it is not letting up that easily and it is pushing me to push myself into a place of surrender so that deeper, more permanant healing can take place.

I don't know

It has been a while since I have written...I love to write so much but I have been having a hard time lately and so I am just trying to make it through, not dwell so much on what is going on. They said this would come, depression, that I would hit a spot in my recovery and I would just stand there grabbing at the sides of the canyon I am sliding down. So here I am, losing finger nails, and perhaps getting stronger for it in the long run. I now have a symptom chart and a mood chart to keep me aware of how things are going. I am aware of three symptoms that are bothering me at this time...depression, anxiety, and paranoia. It is amazing how simply charting my day helps me know when to get my butt out of bed and to the gym and when I can relax. I didn't start charting until today and I am well into a depressive state and I am kicking myself for not being more aware of my surroundings, my sleep, and my nutrition. I am finding that I am very scared to die, that I must go through a check list of all the things I have not done so there is no reason for the police to be after me, and I but pry my fingers from the covers of my bed. This will be an interesting week ahead of me as I continue with my fight. I will go to the gym, I will work with my trainer on gym stuff and nutrition, I will socialize with friends and I will write cards to those I love. Onwards and upwards!