uh oh...

I have become keenly aware of the fact that depression is coming back into my life. Creeping back into my very existence. I was bored before, but now the symptoms are here again...the fear of leaving the house, the anxiety of meeting each day, the difficulty getting out of bed, the desire to go without food, loss of appetite. I know I need to make a schedule for myself but I am just too tired and to be honest what is the point really? That is was is scaring me...that sentence...what is the point? There is so much to live for and so much to work for and I am so tired of fighting. I am tired of working the steps I need to in order to get myself out of bed and into the next day. I am tired of looking in the fridge and being too tired to make anything. But I will tell you what...I am excited about a few things...one is the Mac and Cheese that is on the shelf, I am also excited to have a car tomorrow so I can decide what I want to do with my day and not sit in the house. I am excited to be with my parents and grow together with them in this time. So let me focus on that and be at peace!

"I'm engaged!" was the message left on my Facebook wall from my dear friend! A changed status from "single" to "in relationship with" occurred for someone else. "We are officially engaged!" Came the message through my cell phone along with smiling faces and a ring on hand. Bombarded by life, I find myself getting caught up in the "why God's" and the "how comes" as I try to walk through this life. I am not busy with life so I can't be distracted from the fact that many people are doing what I wish I could be doing. I am left with a sadness as another friend finds their soul mate, although I beam with joy and give hugs to show my support. But there is a bigger picture here. God's picture is showing through. There is no way I thought I would be going through what I am going through right now...recovering from an episode of Bi-Polar which has set me on a path so different than what I wanted. I expected to be married by 24, doing God's work on the mission field or in Baltimore in the inner city. I expected to be living out West and finding a soul mate out there. But I am actually blessed to be single right now. To be going through what I am going through with my family and not man. I am single, able to travel, able to plan for myself, able to work through my issues with God and with my illness without having someone else's baggage to work through. I am able to drive across the country with one of my best guy friends, a dream we have had for the past 4 years. I am able to work on my mind, get settled in Baltimore, plan trips out west, nanny and love the girls I will be watching without distraction. I will be able to join a new church, start a new life, and join in the joy of my friends' engagements because my life is happening the way God plans it to be happening. I am lucky! Really I am!

Fear

Fear "an unpleasant feeling aroused by the threat of danger, evil, or pain." That is the definition of a word that I am trying desperately to overcome...a noun, a thing, a lie...many lies! What is the threat of danger, evil, or pain that is arousing such unpleasant feelings? I am not sure how I step into this day with such feelings being aroused, but I know that each day it is getting easier. Darkness was something that I was thrown into by a lethal illness that almost took my life, but now on the other side I am left questioning...what was it for? What deeper meaning did it play in my life and how to I learn from it in the end? All I desire is to be a woman of faith and a woman of wisdom. I seek daily to find ways to reconcile the different roads I have been down, some of my own doing and others the doing of this illness. I stand on two different rocks at this point...one is the Rock of Ages who is unchanging and faithful and the other is a rock of uncertainty. The rock of uncertainty seems to hold me with more strength than the Rock of Ages and I feel this has much to do with the fact that freedom in Him is often scary when we have been in bondage for so long. It is easy to stay connected to the world and what hurts even though freedom is just a rock away, a stepping stone just next door. 1John 4:18 says There's no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. I often wonder how I can be made in perfect love if I still fear, if I still choose the rock of uncertainty over the Rock of Ages. It is a puzzle that I will be putting together for a long time I believe, but I will not put the puzzle aside until each piece is unturned and placed in it's rightful spot.