Closure

Closure is a strange thing. Sometimes it can be forever in coming, and other times it comes at the drop of a hat. With my recent episode 9 months behind me, I can say that there has been some closure that has been a long time coming. It started with apology letters to those I hurt along the way, then some emails and friendships have been reestablished. Next I made a few phone calls and talked out some frustrations, creating peace in my heart. Then there were the 2 months of therapy and the trip to the hospital with Dad for his procedure that proved that all those months of therapy worked. I could walk into an ER and not go into a panic attack. Next was writing the hospital that I went to and thanking them for forgiving my $15,000 debt. My latest bit of closure was calling the hospital to get the address I could send a thank you card to my Doctor from the psyche ward and the social worker that worked with me those nine days on the ward. I called and got the Doc's address and then they transferred me to the 5th floor to speak to a nurse on how to contact my social worker. There I was being transferred to the unit that caused so much grief and healing all at the same time. The tears began to form before anyone picked up the phone. I felt this wave of gratitude flow over me. If I had not made it to the hospital I would have probably taken my own life, or close to it. The nurse picked up and I asked for my social worker...she's been transferred to another area in the hospital but we can forward your letter to her...then I broke. The tears just flowed. "Thank you so much for all you do. If it was not for you guys I would not be here today." The nurse who's voice sounded hard and serious when she picked up softened. "Well I am glad you are doing better." I hung up the phone and cried and cried. "It was so terrible," I whimpered to God as I stood in my dining room, "so terrible." But as the tears stopped I felt a little bit stronger. One more step on the path of healing had been taken with that call. My fear lept out at me when they transferred me at first but with contact and tears and words I just felt stronger. It's getting better...it really is.

Dearest Love

The cold of winter begs me to follow into a dark cave of bed covers and hopelessness but I am crusing at a great altitude at this moment in time...maybe not great...but I am crusing. My faith in God has been crushed in the aftermath of this last mixed episode and I am working to piece together what is left and seek after His heart. I look at my body and wish for thinner legs, a tight waist, stronger arms, and then I remember where I have been and that my body is just fighting to keep meat on it after so many months of anorexia. The rebound has been horrific to me, but look how far I have come.
In a month flowers will be blooming in Oregon. In between the rain and the soggy grass, deep green and yellow flowers emerge. I may be back there, back on the same side of the country where all this pain and sickness came to pass. I am scared! I am scared that when I board that plane I will hyperventilate, that when I walk into the room I laid in for months I will be caught up in a frozen depression that will hold me captive until I drive myself out of Oregon's grip. So much fear to live in for such a young woman as myself...just 28, I look at myself as not the strong woman that left Baltimore to start a new life on the West coast but as a little girl afraid of her own shadow. And certainly afriad of the shadow of Bi Polar Disorder. I will find hope. It will come. I will walk firm in the truth of who I am meant to be...it will just take time.

Expectations

How do I deal with expectations...really....anyone have any suggestions? How do I deal with with them and how on earth to I keep them from getting so strong that I no longer have control over my emotions and just go off on someone I really care about in a far off country who cannot have a decent face to face convo to make things right? First of all there has to be a way to walk through life without high expectations for oneself and for those around them. I am sure that it is ok to have high expectations on how to be treated by others, by friends and my loved ones, but how does one reign in those expectations when they get too high and ruin a night, a day, a week? There must be a way to walk through life with level expectations, to put people in correct light, loved ones in special position to be treated well. I should be allowed to have decent expectations on how I am treated by friends and how I treat them myself. I expect myself to be on time for a date with a friend and vice versa. I expect people to be open with me about how they feel about me and to not play mind games. I expect that the mind games I used to play are dead now and I can move freely in my skin without fear of losing it with a friend.

Before depression I was a high strung, and loaded, mind game filled person. I would become passionately frustrated with people for no apparent reason and dwell on my pain as if someone had killed a close relative of mine. I would toss and turn at night over words said and not said and make up emails in my mind of all the things I could have said that would have made things better. As I was laid up with depression, I had no expectations. Nothing got me mad, or made me upset. Nothing made me smile or brought anger to my face. I was just BLAH! I secretly hoped that the high strung, high expectation filled girl would have disappeared with the depression that sucked all the energy and life out of my body. I prayed that the anger that burned in me when an expectation was not fulfilled would be dead and that as I gained new life from this last bi polar episode, that I would be exactly that...new.

But alas...along with the personality that was swallowed by my depression that is now coming back, so has my high strung expectations and fears. There was a moment in my depression, right as I was coming out where I just felt this calm. This wondrous calm and a hope sprung up in my chest that I was changed. That hot passions were dead and I could now go forth and live a normal even keeled life. But alas here I am, writing to a bunch of friends...how do I deal with these high expectations? And how do I keep them from ruining my friendships and my own self esteem?

Happy Birthday to me! January 8th, 2009 has come and gone and I am now 28 years older and one day...I celebrated my birthday with sleeping in and then a bath. I soaked and gave myself a mask, shaved my legs and conditioned my hair for extra long. I got out, got dressed and cleaned the house for mom and dad and then mom came home and we started making Pumpkin Chili for my dinner party. It was a wonderful night with wine and gifts and chocolate cake and chocolate ice cream. In that moment at the table I was surrounded by friends and family full of joy and of love and no expectations. It was not until a skype chat from China came in that expectations began to arise. It is in this manner that I will finish this little letter to all reading. I have very high expectations for myself and for those around me. I expect to be treated with the utmost respect and to be loved and be a loving friend to those I know. But when expectations get too high, it makes the fun run away into the night. I do not know how to deal with my expectations, where to put them or how high to let them get. All I know is that a joyous day with family and friends was almost destroyed by expectations laid upon a skype chat. All in all, my day was wonderful and I was able to go to bed a year older, a year wiser, and so glad to put 27 in the toilet and flush!

Weight

I have gained 70 to 80 pounds since my last episode. I was atleast 100 pounds maybe 90 at my worst anorexic state but my usual weight is 135. I know that may be a little on the skinny side but my matabolizm is fast as all get out and so I have never been more than 145 unless my body is rebounding from an anorexic episode with Bi Polar Disorder.

I have been asked to be a bridesmaid for my Dear friend Rob's wedding and it is in 4 months. April is a mere 4 months away and I have not lost a pound. I came home 178 and am now 170 and can't go lower. I have started walking, watching my food, getting good sleep, but I am on lithium which does not help with the weight loss. The Doctors say "well you are older now..." blah blah blah..I turn 28 on thursday. I am not 45...come on! Anyway I will tell you that I am more discouraged now than I have been in a long time. I have worked so hard in therapy, in journaling, in mood watching, and now weight. LIFE JUST DOES NOT LET UP! I just broke down in tears to mom and then we all prayed in my room after I made a tearful call to a good girlfriend. Dad, Mom and I prayed for God's will to be done in ALL of this...not just the wedding. I will walk down the isle for Rob and Jainnie, I just wish I could see myself the way they see me.