Just some thoughts...

I am in Columbia, Maryland. It is about 30 min from my house and I am here to meet a friend to study. It is the first time I have tried to study in a coffee shop and so far it is already too distracting for me...but I know most of the material I am here to study, and I am meeting a friend who is dear to me AND I am not in my house. I have two more tests and a final exam and a formal lab report due and then I am done with my first semester of school. I am getting my pre recs done slowly but surely and this winter I will knockout my computer pre rec. I just want to say for the record that I love school. I LOVE IT! It keeps me out of drama, it keeps me in a structured environment, it keeps me sane as life is changing all around me. I think I would suggest school to anyone suffering from a mental illness who wants to get their feet under them again. If you put the time in, it really proves worth it all. Plus you meet people who are serious about studying and about getting their lives together, and everyone has goals. But I received the best advice from my roommate at the beginning of the semester..."You are not there to make friends, Melissa." I start to get into the drama of the lives I am meeting but then I remember that friends are a bonus but I am not there to be popular. I am there to learn and to be challenged. And believe me...I am being challenged. It is out of control...haha! I am taking Biology which is the pre rec for the other Biology classes I need to take. I got a 79.5% on my first test and the average grade of the class of 42 students was 44%. On the last two tests I have gotten a 90.7% and a 90.5% and test #4 is coming up in two weeks. I only missed 4 questions on my last test....I really think aiming to get a 100% is reasonable as long as I keep some balance in my life. Well let me tell you about balance. My shrink is amazing. Probably too amazing to be called shrink. He is like a small God...hahaha! Anyway he knows me better than I know myself and sees that my studying until 9 at the library EVERY night with no exercise is not balanced. Having Bi Polar, I am already a little unbalanced....hahaha....or should I say A TON unbalanced.....but he wants me on a new sleep schedule so I can add workouts to my life. Since I have been in school I have not set foot in the gym and it has been almost 7 weeks.....YIKES. So since I have such a hard time sleeping, getting tired, sleeping through the night, being rested we decided to try a new drug, Trazadone. I have been on it since tuesday and I already get feel a difference in that I am actually rested when I wake up. I have not gotten in the morning workouts yet but I will get there. Anyway, this week I tried to balance seeing friends, work AND school and studying. I feel TERRIBLE. I feel like a slacker that is well rested. hahah! So I am not randomly crying at the slightest change in schedule or thought of going grocery shopping but I like to study. I like to be in the library until sunset, eat my dinner out of a plastic baggie, and hide on the 4th floor with my nose in the books. Tomorrow I am back in study mode. I am going to attempt to get myself to work out but I can't juggle studying for an hour, then meeting a friend for 2 hours to drive home to study for an hour. I need to be in one spot studying for 4 hours with 10 min breaks in between. I am in a groove and I am gonna get back in it. I am gonna continue my going to tutoring twice or 3 times a week, going to office hours 3 times a week, and studying in my 3 to 4 hour chunks in the library with my studious friends. Right now, those friends are a group of math and computer majors from Cameroon, Africa. It is so cool to meet people who love to study too...who are serious students and who I can study with.

Anyway, that is all for now....more to come later....

No Shoulds here...

Vacation is always hard on me for some reason. I love the adventure, and getting to where I am going, but coming home is just a pain. Getting back into a routine after being our of one for 2 weeks is killer. I want to fall back on all my old vices, coffee, coffee, coffee, and push through the morning hours until the girls I nanny go down for their naps. Then I can go down for mine and boy, do I ever. I have beaten the coffee addiction finally, but I drank some this morning to give me extra energy to face the little girls who have not seen me for 2 weeks. Part of me was excited to see them, but the other part just was scared. First day back when watching little kids is always hard as the routine has been botched a bit on vacation....and rightly so!!!! When I was little and visiting my Grandparents, life just was serene. Family lunches and dinners, late night walks in the Indiana summer time, sleeping in and watching cartoons. All bets are off on vacation, so I was expecting things to be hard. But things have gone pretty smoothly. I have laid low and stood back as the girls have gotten more used to me in the house again while their mom is here. My boss rocks! She helped me put the kids down for their naps before heading off for errands. Both girls took a bit to warm up to me again. At 16 months and 3, it takes that long I suppose. And now we are off and running. The little one is fond of saying my name which is amazing. I think I get stuck in the "how am I ever going to's" and the "what if's" I also get lost in the "should'ves"....really lost. As a nanny, I am teaching these little ones to be proud of who they are, to try their hardest, to be all they can be and then some. I should learn some of my lessons for myself. Prehaps one day I will.

Nap time has come upon us, and I am soaking up every minute to just get my barrings. I dreaded coming to work so much that I was up for a good part of the night. Wrote part of a new song out of all my anxiety so I am making lemonade out of lemons, or so they say. I am pretty sure I am overwhelmed by more than just work. I am overwhelmed about starting school again, about being far from my parents, about getting a set workout schedule that will allow me to lose the damn weight I gained from my last episode. I am afraid to fail. I am most certainly not feeling that Baltimore is where I am supposed to be and that is also making me feel that I am a waste of space. Two of my close friends, one my best friend and the other super close and both my roommates, are moving out. The new roommies are super nice and lovely and wonderful to talk to and live with but change and I do not get along. I curled up in a ball last night as a thunderstorm raged around my house and began to cry as I texted another close friend. I just don't know how far I have come....it doesn't seem that I have come far at all. It felt good to cry, but I was asked a question....do I feel restlessness or anxiousness? I think it is more anxiousness, fear to fail, fear to love the skin I am in, fear to become someone who no longer fears, or leans on fear to push them forward. I long to trust God in all the things I do. He is faithful to keep that which you entrust to Him. He never hurts our hearts...or does he? Maybe he allows me to be struck with paralyzing anxiety because it pushes me closer to Him. Today I am taking it one minute at a time. Learning to live in the moment, while still being responsible with my future.

Hello NY....and NYC! HA! I have been home for 6 days....wow time flies. I have seen several old friends, some older than others, but all from spots in my life that were full of emotion and amazement. I have been to the city twice and will be in again tomorrow and monday. All that money I was saving by coming home is quickly being used up on train fair and meals. I am amazed at how much I love the social scene of NYC. It is absolutely ridiculous how expensive things are and yet money is spent as if it were nothing. I had the most fantastic glass of Pinot Grigio from McMinnville, Oregon on Friday night. It was so good I got another one, which left me with $10 to my name in cash (I had come into the city with $60 but with train fare and what not....you get the picture...the glasses of wine were expensive) and a picture I took of me and my friend. I am not paranoid at all this trip. I am slowly easing myself into the City to see if I will have a panic attack. So far so good but the pills are on me just in case. We shall see how tomorrow goes. I will be with a new friend, but an old soul that I love dearly. Twill be awesome.

Actually it is June

But I am wishing for July because I get to go home to NY for 2 weeks!!!!

"Fancy circles of a wed undone.

strings of a heart so starved.

if I close my eyes and pray real slow

you're not that far, not that far

If you had known it would be this hard,

would you have stopped the fall?

Would you have let yourself slowly run insane?

Would you back here again?

Fancy words for a midnight spin.

Pounds that will only feed your pain.

If you open your eyes and learn to be,

through it all,

you will see finally.

Amazing Grace how sweet the sound

Saving a wretch like me

I once was lost, but now I'm found

was blind but now I see,

finally

I had known it would be this hard,

but I did not stop the fall.

But I will never let myself

run insane again and I won't be back here,

won't be back here again

Don't come back here again.

Looks who's back here again!"

(c) Melissa Gayle Matthew 2007ish

It is July, it is warm, my toes tingle at movies and popcorn, and my stomach drops at thoughts of evenings at Opie's or BBQs and luaus. Tis a glorious start to the summer and I have nothing but life to look forward to. The darkness that over came me a month ago seems miles away. Instead now I fight with body image, and gaining control of my messy room that has taken over my life. My medication seems to have kicked in...Dr. S upped my anti-depressant when the darkness came, but now I am up and running and off coffee which is amazing in and of itself. I not drink it occasionally and it is a treat instead of an addiction causing headaches without it. I can sleep in on my Saturdays without a pounding headache waking me up.

I have to say, though, that the biggest news I have gotten from the Drs I know has changed my life. I have been so curious as to why I am always sabotaging myself. Self sabotage is an art in my life, and I do with with such style. Although I have wondered about this with Dr. S, I talked to him and another Dr again and came to understand that the reason I do what I do is to stay sick. I have been sick for so long, and was so sick as a child with allergies and what not that being in discomfort has become a comfort, if that makes any sense at all. When I feel good I feel guilty, when I am doing well I will throw a wrench into the mix and screw myself up, it is all just amazing. Why is my room messy? Why don't I clean it up? Because it promotes my discomfort and therefore makes me feel better. So how do I combat this? I learn to trust myself by making choices. One area is that I choose to go to bed on time just once a month and master that. Slowly my trust in myself will grow. Then I try going to bed two times a month on time and I master that and slowly I reprogram myself into wanting to be comforted and in a state of comfort.

I really am getting ready for some new changes in my life, new roommates, new job schedule, new class schedule, new friends, old friends, a full calendar of wonderful events to bring joy with no guilt on the side.

So tonight? I shall go to bed on time and learn to start to trust myself. AMEN!

Wow, it has been a long time since I have written. I had to reread some of my older posts to get a picture of what my life has been like over the last few months. I will say that being in Baltimore has been a mix of good and harsh, light and heavy. It has been mostly drama free but for a few drops here and there. I did get asked on a date which was fun, but was doing a dating fast and had to turn the fine bloke down. I thought for sure he would do what he said and call me back once the fast was over, but I never heard from him. I am working on not initiating with guys, so I didn't feel it was ok for me to try to contact him. I wonder what I am doing wrong that men do not notice me. Not sure there is much more I can do now that I am not initiating, anyone have any ideas?

I have some new friends from church now. They are solid, lacking in drama, and wonderful to talk to. My other friends are around and supportive as I continue to put my feet back on the ground. And I am a nanny to two beautiful little girls. I love to put Coldplay on to Strawberry Swing and dance around the room, the little one in my arms, the big one taking it all in.

Life is getting better....but in my last blog I said I was getting used to being in my skin....now I am trying to love my skin. It is hard! But God is good and I will allow Him to love me even now as I can't.