Memories

I have been working in a school as a volunteer, this past week. I have been working with an ESL student and we have been having fun speaking spanish and working on homework. It has been a great experience but being around so many little children is hard because it reminds me of when I worked in Oregon and I was in the throws of my Manic/Depressed episode before I was put in the hospital. That time was very terrifying and it has taken a lot of therapy and memory work with my therapist to get over that time and not be afraid to work with little kids again. (In my previous blogs I have explained the way my therapist works and how you can have your memories lose power over you and how triggers can no longer be a problem for you.) Well, I was walking down the hall and I saw a little girl who looked like me when I was little. She stared at me, like most little kids do, and I was triggered. I was triggered into my paranoia which is my fear of being taken away by the police for doing something wrong. This paranoia was a huge part of my episode last year...wow last year was my epsiode...crazy. Anyway, by the time the day was over and my mom and I were driving home, (mom works in the same school that I was volunteering in) I was in histerics. I was convinced that I would be taken away and could not stop crying. I called my therapist and we talked it through and we had to do a night session over the phone to work through the memory that had been triggered by a simple look from a little girl.
Well, it turned out that I was triggered into a memory from when I was a little girl and being taken to a therapist that made me sit on his lap for the session. After realizing that I had always assumed the therapist from my past was punishment for me (I was 4 and 5 at the time) I realized that the paranoia was about getting in trouble with him and not the police. It was a huge break through. Also that the little girl that I saw reminded me of me when I was her age and flashed me back to having to see that terrible therapist. Now when I start to get anxious about police and trouble I remember this break through and I am put back on the right track. AMAZING!