"Fancy circles of a wed undone.

strings of a heart so starved.

if I close my eyes and pray real slow

you're not that far, not that far

If you had known it would be this hard,

would you have stopped the fall?

Would you have let yourself slowly run insane?

Would you back here again?

Fancy words for a midnight spin.

Pounds that will only feed your pain.

If you open your eyes and learn to be,

through it all,

you will see finally.

Amazing Grace how sweet the sound

Saving a wretch like me

I once was lost, but now I'm found

was blind but now I see,

finally

I had known it would be this hard,

but I did not stop the fall.

But I will never let myself

run insane again and I won't be back here,

won't be back here again

Don't come back here again.

Looks who's back here again!"

(c) Melissa Gayle Matthew 2007ish

It is July, it is warm, my toes tingle at movies and popcorn, and my stomach drops at thoughts of evenings at Opie's or BBQs and luaus. Tis a glorious start to the summer and I have nothing but life to look forward to. The darkness that over came me a month ago seems miles away. Instead now I fight with body image, and gaining control of my messy room that has taken over my life. My medication seems to have kicked in...Dr. S upped my anti-depressant when the darkness came, but now I am up and running and off coffee which is amazing in and of itself. I not drink it occasionally and it is a treat instead of an addiction causing headaches without it. I can sleep in on my Saturdays without a pounding headache waking me up.

I have to say, though, that the biggest news I have gotten from the Drs I know has changed my life. I have been so curious as to why I am always sabotaging myself. Self sabotage is an art in my life, and I do with with such style. Although I have wondered about this with Dr. S, I talked to him and another Dr again and came to understand that the reason I do what I do is to stay sick. I have been sick for so long, and was so sick as a child with allergies and what not that being in discomfort has become a comfort, if that makes any sense at all. When I feel good I feel guilty, when I am doing well I will throw a wrench into the mix and screw myself up, it is all just amazing. Why is my room messy? Why don't I clean it up? Because it promotes my discomfort and therefore makes me feel better. So how do I combat this? I learn to trust myself by making choices. One area is that I choose to go to bed on time just once a month and master that. Slowly my trust in myself will grow. Then I try going to bed two times a month on time and I master that and slowly I reprogram myself into wanting to be comforted and in a state of comfort.

I really am getting ready for some new changes in my life, new roommates, new job schedule, new class schedule, new friends, old friends, a full calendar of wonderful events to bring joy with no guilt on the side.

So tonight? I shall go to bed on time and learn to start to trust myself. AMEN!