The cold of winter begs me to follow into a dark cave of bed covers and hopelessness but I am crusing at a great altitude at this moment in time...maybe not great...but I am crusing. My faith in God has been crushed in the aftermath of this last mixed episode and I am working to piece together what is left and seek after His heart. I look at my body and wish for thinner legs, a tight waist, stronger arms, and then I remember where I have been and that my body is just fighting to keep meat on it after so many months of anorexia. The rebound has been horrific to me, but look how far I have come.
In a month flowers will be blooming in Oregon. In between the rain and the soggy grass, deep green and yellow flowers emerge. I may be back there, back on the same side of the country where all this pain and sickness came to pass. I am scared! I am scared that when I board that plane I will hyperventilate, that when I walk into the room I laid in for months I will be caught up in a frozen depression that will hold me captive until I drive myself out of Oregon's grip. So much fear to live in for such a young woman as myself...just 28, I look at myself as not the strong woman that left Baltimore to start a new life on the West coast but as a little girl afraid of her own shadow. And certainly afriad of the shadow of Bi Polar Disorder. I will find hope. It will come. I will walk firm in the truth of who I am meant to be...it will just take time.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment