I don't know

It has been a while since I have written...I love to write so much but I have been having a hard time lately and so I am just trying to make it through, not dwell so much on what is going on. They said this would come, depression, that I would hit a spot in my recovery and I would just stand there grabbing at the sides of the canyon I am sliding down. So here I am, losing finger nails, and perhaps getting stronger for it in the long run. I now have a symptom chart and a mood chart to keep me aware of how things are going. I am aware of three symptoms that are bothering me at this time...depression, anxiety, and paranoia. It is amazing how simply charting my day helps me know when to get my butt out of bed and to the gym and when I can relax. I didn't start charting until today and I am well into a depressive state and I am kicking myself for not being more aware of my surroundings, my sleep, and my nutrition. I am finding that I am very scared to die, that I must go through a check list of all the things I have not done so there is no reason for the police to be after me, and I but pry my fingers from the covers of my bed. This will be an interesting week ahead of me as I continue with my fight. I will go to the gym, I will work with my trainer on gym stuff and nutrition, I will socialize with friends and I will write cards to those I love. Onwards and upwards!