A week ago I witnessed the passing of an adopted Grandfather of mine. We were celebrating his 100th brithday and he had a heart attack in the middle of dinner. I started to try to help with verbal instructions to the son who was already doing all that could be done to revive him, but he passed before our eyes into the next world.

I was shocked, scared, terrified at what I had seen. I felt the floor benieth me drop out, I felt my mind scramble and was sure I was headed back into some bi polar episode. As I sat between two family members I held their hands with all my might repeating to myself, "I can't take this, this is too much," over and over again as I sobbed. I called my therapist back east although it was 12am her time and just unloaded fears and sobs. She assured me that I had just witnessed something traumatic and that I was not going manic or anything close to that.

Well things have started to settle down in my heart about his passing but as the funeral approaches I can feel the tension in the house as everyone anticipates the emotions that are bound to erupt tomorrow as we say our farewells to Grandpa. It is strange to be so sensitive...to feel the feelings of others to such a degree...to be qued in this way. I almost wish it were not so, but then I would not be me and that would be a shame I think. What I thought would be a disaster of a trigger...sending me into deep depression has actually lifted my spirits higher then I remember. I am cleaning around the house, waking up at normal times, laughing with the family...entertaining them at best, putting together picture boards of Granpa, dropping it off, doing the recycling, just mountains of things that I don't think I could do if not for this opportunity to grieve to such a great extent. I have been able, through this, to mourn the hospital, my own grandfathers passing which I never really allowed myself to do, the life I lead before this episode, and more. The night Pop (grandpa ) died I cried more then I ever have and into the next day. I then sought out therapy and friends, made calls and began to allow healing to start. After an amazing session over the phone with my counselor back east I am now not triggered by the image of pop not being able to breathe as much. I feel I have more control over my emotions and what I can and cannot handle. It is empowering. The latest struggle for me has been on my own salvation...where am I really going when I die? When I was in my episode I was in hell, felt the distance from God and ached with loneliness I have never felt before. Now that I am back on track with God and feel I can again dialogue with him I am looking for his promises for my salvation in the after world. although I know I will go to heaven according to the bible, because of what I have been through and felt, I am still fearing that Death will be just darkness like my depressions, separation from my Papa up in heaven.
Anyway...I am on the up and up for now and that is shocking to me in light of all that has happened.