Dear Drew

Dear Drew,
I have been learning alot about this new person that I have become after this last episode. I am trying to see it on a continuum. I am trying to look at it as part of a bigger picture because I have looked at my episode as a stealer of life and time. But it was part of time. An adventure of its own with it's terror and it's mania. It is hard to explain and almost impossible to share, but it was hell. I have never been in such a dark place, demonic, almost satanic of places. I felt and now feel I was completely separated from God.
I went to church on Sunday and I believe I realized what I have been feeling when it comes to church. It is not that I do not believe in God or His Son Jesus, It is that I do not see how my life experience fits into Sunday morning worship and prayer. The darkness of my depression, the perverted thoughts, the murderous thoughts do not fit with most sermons. Where is my history on Sunday in the Presbyterian faith? My experience most closely resembles Christ's Crucifixion when Hashem (God) turned His face and left Jesus to be alone and separated. It is there I fit, in that moment when my loving God left me to my suicidal thoughts, to dark cold rooms and racing thoughts. He left me to insanity and paranoia. Like scarecrow in Batman, with his powder and his mask, God became evil to me.
I know that as time moves forward and I gain distance from this episode I will see that God was right there with me, not teasing me with gas and masks, but holding my trembling anorexic hand. In the darkness of the psych ward, full of screams through the night, He was there. But for now I feel betrayed, I do not trust my God or my mind and I am aware of how feeble my mind is. I can sense a bitterness in me and that is something I am fighting tooth and nail. I will not be bitter. I will yell and scream, stomp and dwell, cry and lay limp in His arms but I will not become bitter. I have matured a great deal since this episode and my heart is broken in two. But it has broken so wide it can now let more love in.