Walking Barefoot in December

I am getting into the mode of a new year...a better year....a hopeful year. A 2009 wonderous year where mental illness does not need to own every moment of my time. 2008 was terrible for me in so many ways and I feel like I will never be the same again. I wake up most days and just think "wow....I survived" and then this sinking feeling comes over me and I just feel so low. I am not sure if it is the low after the high of Christmas but it almost hurts like depression hurt. Questions go through my head "am I a loser? have I ruined my life? Has bipolar disorder ruined my life? How do I start over? Or do I?" I have been doing laundry all day and watching House on TV and chatting with friends in Oregon. I remember last year around this time. I didn't know it but I was headed down into depression and off meds and I would wake up with this ache in my chest...like my heart was cut out. I would miss my ex, my mom, my dad, my friends, Baltimore, and I would get dressed for work and just ache inside. Just ache. I cannot tell you the feeling...there is no way to describe the pain. I couldn't even cry it hurt so much. The mornings would come so crisp and clean and my chest would feel like open heart sugery had been done. I would look out the window and see a clean world and feel such a mess inside. Christmas this year has been warming but with a touch of fear that I will wake up with that same sensation of lonliness again. Today I walked barefoot in the grass and mud to the laundry room. It was warm enough. I breathed in the air and smelled all I could. I let the wind blow me away, let the past become the past. Barefoot in December...and the new year comes.